Fried: Bacon Withdraws From Election

Well what can I say my friends? I was really trying to make a difference in this world, but after months and months of campaigning I have decided to pull my candidacy for public office. It’s a sad day, yet a satisfying day for me. I entered this race fully expecting to ride a Fred Thompson-like wave of public confidence to public office! It was only until recently I noticed I had Fred Thompson-like ideas and support. That is, I had nothing in either department.

With skyrocketing gas prices, international strife, and stagflation rearing its ugly head once again in the United States, my simple answer of giving everyone bacon to solve their problems just didn’t fly with most voters. Actually, it didn’t fly with almost ALL voters according to the polling data my staff uncovered. When Pat Paulsen scored higher ratings than I did in bacon-loving states like Iowa, Nebraska, and Wisconsin, I should have packed my bags then.

But I didn’t! I still fought even though other candidates fell by the wayside, because I believe bacon can still right many of the world’s wrongs! I may not be able to lower gas prices, bring world peace, or even calm the financial fears of people who like me, but dammit at least my fans can wake up and smell the coffee… and bacon! In good times and bad, I’ll always be there for you America! And now that my political run is over (at least for this year), I will once again devote my life to making people the only way I can think of– by laying down on a plate and letting you devour my bacony goodness!

Keep the faith America! I couldn’t promise a chicken in every pot, but I can promise even a little bacon is better than no bacon at all!